EVERY NIGHT I CALL THE COPS ON MYSELF by John Mortara

by Keep This Bag Away From Children

because every night i scream at myself.

i smash various fragile objects in my apartment.

i pick up a vase. how did this vase even get here i don’t know but i’m going to smash it.

then i scream bloody murder at myself some more.

i open up all the windows so other people in my quiet neighborhood can hear me scream

bloody murder.

when nobody calls the cops on me i call the cops on myself.

when the cops finally show up and ask dude what’s wrong? i say

arrest me! i’m a friggin’ lunatic!

and they say

what have you even done to yourself man?

i shrug and wipe the drool from my chin and yell i don’t know! but i am extremely disturbed!

this is a domestic disturbance you guys! i am disturbing myself domestically!

every night the two cops look at each other and then look back at me.

they say calm
the heck down bro

and then they get in their car and drive away.

every night this frustrates me a lot and then i remember that calling the cops for “no reason”

is definitely a crime

so i call the cops on myself for calling the cops on myself for “no reason.”

every night the same two cops return to my apartment and i whisper

will you guys please just put me in jail already.

every night the two cops look at each other and then they look back at me.

they say we are like

so tired of this.

just take a deep breath.

do you think there is any common ground between you and yourself?
i say totes and point to my chest

they ask what are you like in love or somethin’?

and i say

it’s terrible!

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________

john mortara is a small village in Germany, in the Bundesland Saarland. he was first mentioned in a document dated 1365. there are currently roughly 1,400 people living in john mortara with almost as many cows.